Chemical Pregnancy

If our first pregnancy was a successful one, we would've been celebrating her first birthday this month. I'd like to think that maybe she could've shared the same birth date as Piri. 

But instead of baby birthday celebrations, I'm going through my second miscarriage in as many years. 

Yesterday, after being three days late, I decided to test. Again. I already tested earlier and the pregnancy test came out negative. But I was late. Three days late. Which means I can test again, right? My mind always says no. Stop wasting expensive pregnancy tests, but my heart is the push over. It always tells me yes. Do it. You could be pregnant. 

And so I did. 

I glanced at the test and I cringed.

Negative.

I knew it. I knew it! 

I waited a few minutes before I could look at it again. I just sat that like a statue not really knowing what to think or feel. Then I decided to look at that cruel cruel truth one more time before trashing it. And then I saw it. A faint... a very very faint second line. I couldn't believe it. But I wanted to believe so badly. I took a picture and sent it to Yangkyu. 

When he came home we looked at it over and over again. We went online and looked at other pregnancy tests with lines to faint that you have to squint to really see. Oh my God. I think that really is a positive test. Yangkyu smiled but quickly put on a serious face because he didn't want to get our hopes up. I wanted to take another one last night but Yangkyu asked me to wait until the morning. 

Oh my patience. But hey.. we've been doing this for four years. What's waiting another night. 

And then the morning came and the test was negative. 

I spotted an hour later. 

Then bled a couple of hours after that. 

I had a chemical pregnancy. It's a fancy term for early miscarriage. 

I posted an article about coping with miscarriage on Facebook. It was a passive aggressive way of wondering if people would "catch on" and try to empathize. I was wondering if it would get as many attention as those who share birth announcements. 

I know. It sounds pretty dumb and sour. But... I can't help it. I'm in one hell of a rotten sour mood. 

I cried. I haven't done that in a while. 

Then I cried harder. Alone. 

I don't know why I share these stories online. But it helps me feel better. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me to think that maybe one person out there truly knows what I'm feeling. And that thought helps me get over all the other tasteless comments {although not all ill mannered} that come my way. 

I want to scream.

I want to really angry.

I just want to stop feeling this way.

I like this life with you // 005

"You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at." 

 -- Tina Fey

Piri is home

Piri had a good surgery yesterday. Thank you for all your kind words.

The doctor said he did great under anesthesia and the vet techs let us know that he showed good signs during his recovery session. 

We dropped Piri off at 10 am and he was discharged at 2 pm. It was a long wait but getting phone calls throughout his surgery to let us know when he was fully under and what kind of procedures they will be performing on him was helpful. 

One thing that has us concerned as the oral surgeon was getting ready for his procedure was his growth. The oral surgeon found more mass under Piri's tongue and he called it "ugly" and "not good" and said he thought it was cancerous. He said he won't know for sure until biopsy results come back but he was afraid that the growth spreading wasn't a good sign. We are hoping that he may be wrong on this. He was so right on so many calls and shots but please, just this one, let him be wrong. 

Right now I am trying not to think about it but the worst case scenario keeps lingering in the back of my mind. 

After we got instructions on post surgery care, the vet tech brought Piri in so that we can take him home. Usually when Piri sees us after being away, he wags his tail and rubs himself all over us but this time he didn't come to us for comfort and kept his distance and stared at us - almost as if he didn't recognize who we were. He was also a little disoriented, and probably overwhelmed, but kept trying to figure out how to get out of the building. It was most likely all the medicine - sedatives, etc. that was he was under, which didn't fully leave his body until late last night. 

We had trouble giving him his pain medicine when it was due at 4 pm yesterday and so we broke rules and fed it to him with some hot dogs and spam. Boy he gobbled that up right away. He has also been getting boiled chicken {we stopped giving him chicken because his ears kept flaring up pretty badly - most likely allergies} because ground beef isn't his thing anymore. A phase. Hopefully. 

Last night and this morning he has been picky and just eating the boiled chicken and spitting out the rice but a couple of hours ago he ended up licking his bowl clean of everything - including the carrots and asparagus. Good boy.

Another thing I noticed. He is eating by himself. I am wondering now if all those times he preferred to be hand fed was because his mouth was hurting or giving him discomfort. Poor guy. 

But we'll see how he does with his K/D food once we put him back on it in a few days. He may still want to be hand fed. And that's ok.

Piri's lump and the mass under his tongue have been removed and sent in for a biopsy - we'll know the results 5-7 business days. The doctor had to extract three teeth and the sutures will dissolve on their own in a few weeks. Piri did well under anesthesia that the doctor even had time to do a full cleaning of all his teeth. So all that plaque is now gone and his teeth are pearly white. We'll have to be so much better at maintaining them now. 

Right now Piri is sleeping. 

He wasn't allowed to go up and down the stairs yesterday and so we slept with him in the living room {lately Piri asks to go outside a few times in the middle of the night and so to avoid all those trips, we slept right in the living room}. Tonight I think we'll be back upstairs although slumber parties in the living room isn't so bad. 

Piri still looks tired and doesn't have all his energy back but he is coming back little by little. 

What a resilient dog. I couldn't be more thankful for him hanging on and pulling through. 

I love you, Piri. 

Wish our little guy luck as he heads to surgery tomorrow!

After a month of tests and assessments of his heart and kidney levels and consultations, Piri's oral surgery date has finally arrived. It's tomorrow morning. 

He ate his last meal and medications at 7 am. I made him his favorite - boiled chicken with vegetables and rice. We actually stopped giving him chicken because his ears would flare up pretty bad (probably allergic reaction) but we thought tonight was a little special. 

Piri is going to be in good hands, but I still worry and am nervous. But his latest kidney levels went down {positive sign} and the doctors are going to do their best so that his kidneys can filter out the anesthesia. 

Please send our little guy some luck though! 

We'll be waiting anxiously to bring him back home with us. 

Backyard BBQ

This past Sunday was a gorgeous 60 degrees. Perfect weather for a BBQ cookout with Piri and friends. 

We dusted off our patio furniture cover and got our tiny grill going and had such a grand time conversing and eating. 

In the past, Piri usually went nuts and begged for a piece of meat. He never tired and was relentless. But this time around it was very noticeable that he was too old for that. So he rested, looked on and fell asleep. I know he can't have pork but I still grabbed a tiny slice and mixed it in with the rest of his food. He liked it. 

I think one of the most grateful things about having Yangkyu's friends visit was how accomodating they were to Piri. I don't like leaving him home alone now as he pants and waits by the window until we come back home. The lump in his mouth has grown significantly and hangs out on the side of his mouth when he is stressed. I don't like to put him in that position if I don't absolutely need to go out without him and they were all cool about it. But of course I felt bad and told them that for dinner Saturday night they should all go out to eat and they can just bring me take out. Instead, they all opted for take out to eat at home so no one was left out. And they always took turns petting Piri and giving him attention. 

I don't think Yangkyu wanted his friends to leave on Sunday. But there is always a next time for a gathering like this.