Dreams

Bartles came out in my dream in the other day. I think it's the second time he's visited me since he crossed but the first dream I didn't really see him. It was not a very pleasant dream where he was taken from me and I couldn't get the words out of my mouth to stop the person from running away with Bartles. I was talking but my mouth moved so slowly and the words came out all jumbled. By the time I was able to scream and call out to Yangkyu the person was long gone with Bartles. It was dark and the whole time I remember feeling so helpless and scared.

My most recent dream of Bartles again wasn't a very good one. He wasn't feeling well and I kept trying to dial the number to the vet's office but my fingers kept pressing the wrong number. I would reach the last couple of digits and press the wrong button and would have to start all over again. I kept doing this over and over again until a vet who I wasn't particularly fond of came to our house. The weird thing was that I never saw this person in my life but in my dream I knew I didn't like her very much. The vet proceeded to tell me that Bartles doesn't have much time left and for us to get ready to say good bye. She gave him a shot and I was so scared that it was something to help him cross over. She reassured me that it was only to take the pain away. The heavy worrying feeling I had was so very real. Just like the day when we rushed him to the ER. 

Just a few minutes after Bartles got his shot he suddenly perked up and was trotting about like there was nothing wrong with him. He had a perfect gait and his tail was wagging. I called out, "Bartles! Bartles!" so that I could see if he was alright but he was too excited to explore his surroundings. I was smiling and was cautiously happy and inside I kept thinking, "See.. I told you so. It wasn't his time."

And then I woke up.

The dream mirrored how I was feeling the entire time after Bartles crossed the rainbow bridge. I thought I haven't been really thinking about that moment but I guess deep inside I always am.

As we start to hit the holidays I am saddened that we will never get the opportunity to dress him up for Halloween, make him turkey meatballs for Thanksgiving, celebrate Christmas by going to see the lights at Bull Run and trimming the tree with him (we have an elf hat that we wanted to pass down to him) and most of all celebrate his gotcha day which falls in December, just a day before my birthday. It's always these nevers that are so hard to accept sometimes.

Today is 117 days since Bartles crossed the rainbow bridge. 

I miss you Mr. B.